Spent the weekend down in Maricopa with Jen. Went to Nick's graduation.

Forgot med, all my tapering was for nothing and now my body is so fucked up and all over the place and I don't even know what it's doing. So much sick, so much sore, so much no sleep, so much intense dream, so much wtf is going on o.o so much 'oh i'm going to cry oh wait no i'm not yes i am nope'.

i cannot even function on the nonfunctioning level that is normal for me.

There is no other word to describe me other than awake. Except maybe alert. Terribly, horrifically alert O.O

There are no words for today.

It's the last day of classes. Greg Laswell released a new album, Landline. Which rocks. Super hard. I'm only 7/12 songs through the album, but I love every single one.


Also, I'm now at Cartel and for all the crappy feels I've been having the last couple days sitting at my corner table with my coffee is paradise. I feel safe here o.o I know that sounds ridiculous, but I feel like I go through my day so alone; but I come here and some of the baristas know me and smile when I come in, and it's got a homey feeling. I could sit here for ages, alone, but not alone.

I feel less alone here than I do when I'm out with my friends.

Social potato? Maybe.


I can't believe it took me so long to follow Lisa's advice and start studying at a coffee shop. I can't believe it took me so long to get hooked on coffee o.o Especially considering how hard Siri advocated it.

Fuck. It's been almost a year since we put the pups down.

Where does time go.

A work in progress.
( #61 from my second 101_1001.. )

Sometimes the immensity of life just makes me want to give up and slowly die while reveling in the overwhelming tides of feelings and possibilities. The more I think about life, the more I'm sure we all waste it.

Lying kind of dead on the floor. I can't handle all the emotions Castle gives me. Seriously- I realize my pathetic factor is spanning towards infinity, but. This show and the actors and the writers kill me.

Not riding tomorrow.. still having back trouble.. hopefully can go Monday; but who knows. I have a lot of homework to catch up on. If I ever come back to life o.o

I started this post so long ago, my phone's vibrating, and I'm still just dead on the floor. Uggggggh, Castle.

I feel so bad being happy today o.o I get Lisa and Castle. One thing I've really needed and the one thing I really want.

If I can manage the genetics homework and my ASB 410 quiz I need to do tonight. Oops.

Right, so, rode Ruffian today :D We did a couple runs of cantering (pun not intended). She was just so into it today, it really took me by surprise! It was a really lovely day, a little breezy and not too hot- we were both feeling pretty good.

Anyway, I was trying to just get her to walk and steer around the barrels out there but then she starts kicking up her heels into a trot and suddenly WOMPH it's a canter and we're racing across the arena. On one hand, I shouldn't have let her get away with it since I didn't ask for it; on the other, I didn't want to discourage her. So we did it on purpose a couple more times. The first two or three she was absolutely full of WE GO NOW and I couldn't keep up with her at all. But then the next several times when I asked her, she threw an absolute fit and let out a bunch of bucks before settling into a smooth-ish canter. I don't know if it was fighting me so much as feeling good. I haven't taken her out since the beginning of January.. Speicher was right when he said 'my little pwnie", ha.

My ass, tailbone and spine are killing me now. But it was too much fun, I didn't want to stop. I swear, I had the biggest grin on my face I've had in a long time (that wasn't Castle related, haha). Jen said Ruffian had a little spark in her eye, she was having a lot of fun. Ugh, I love my pony.

I was brushing her down in her stall before the ride and we were just talking. I don't think anything makes me feel better like time with Ruffian does. I really wish I could make Sundays with her a regular thing again, if I could just get my studying and reading done =\ I miss her. I had a nightmare about her Friday night; there was no way I wasn't going today.

Karen got the stomach flu from her daughter :( Going in to cover for her tomorrow.

Cartel is packed, yet I have an entire row of tables to myself. I feel like such a potato o.o

Alrighty, here comes a hefty hefty update.

Most importantly- had a major debate paper on bushmeat due over the weekend. Got it back today, with a 95% and a note from the TA saying it was one of the best papers he graded, and it was an excellent scholarly paper AND IT WAS A PLEASURE TO READ. Which is saying something, I think, because it was a paper about bushmeat.. O.o Also, got my first essay back for my global health history class, 47/50! Another A. I'm very pleased, especially since the average was an 81%.

Have sort of made a new friend in Animal Phys, which is shocking. Actually, my debate partner in my other global health class and I have been friendly, too. It's beyond weird.

Haven't been riding for the last two/three weeks. First tests and papers really killed me, but I think things have turned out alright. I cantered Ruffian for the first time in a long time.. last time I went. Can't quite remember if I've said that. I forgot how fun it is! I'd much rather try cantering than constantly fail at the trot.

Lisa went to Hawaii last week, I won't see her again until next week. I miss her incredibly so. I know I only saw her once a week, and I've technically not seen her for two, but she's a steadying presence for me. Knowing I get to work and talk with her honestly helps me deal with everything. I could text her, but I want her to enjoy her vacation. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more, after how the last year has been. I'm being selfish. I've been really stressed out the past week and a half and I miss her.

My cousin had surgery on Friday to remove her pineal cyst. I went to the hospital with my parents after work, I can't tell you how awkward it was. It was the first time I'd seen my ex-aunt since before she left for her father's funeral ... three years ago? Right before this huge mess started. Anyway, I visited with V for a few min and while she alright, considering. Met her boyfriend and the mom's teaching assistant. Tried to be nice for my uncle's sake.. but I love the woman's comment about how V's headaches have been so hard for V and her mom. Because apparently my uncle doesn't give a damn. Talked with Nick, that was nice. He's been doing applications for pharm school, which I'm super excited to hear about. I really hope he gets what he wants- I'm pretty sure that's New York. I think it'd be great for him! I know he's concerned about money, and it's good he's considering the frugality; but I'm desperately of a mind that when you want something, you go after it and grab it. Maybe make out with it and make babies, too..! Ha. Castle..

Anyway, V got pneumonia the day after her surgery, and then she had other complications I can't correctly recall.. but was discharged two days ago, went to the ER last night because her stitches came out. Oh, right! Her spinal fluid was leaking and pooling in the wrong places, so they had to drain and repair.. THOSE were the stitches that came out. Commence vomiting and sickness. anyway, she's back home again, as far as I know, recuperating. For everyone's sake, I hope this fixes her headaches. It is a hellish road to travel just to get out of school and responsibility.

I have to work with Lori again tomorrow. Roy got a hold of my old rx bottle and I was afraid it was the one I just brought home on Monday with a full rx. I was going to cry because I thought I wouldn't be able to handle her without it. Luckily, full bottle is still safe and in tact. I really hate working with her. I feel so bad, but she drives me crazy and makes me so anxious. Thank heavens for the boys I work with. They always try to make Friday nights easier when Lisa's gone. She drives everyone crazy.

I've stopped going to the gym. I don't like it, but my eating sched and appetite are so screwed thanks to my classes. I just don't think it's metabolically affordable to eat a granola bar and fruity snacks and then one big meal at night and go running/cycling/elliptical for an hour every day. I go home most Tues/Thurs with a splitting head. I wake up most mornings ridiculously white. So naturally, I'm deciding to skip Calc class, which is conveniently in the middle of all my classes, to have lunch and let my brain have a breather. We'll see how it works out o.o

I'm finally realizing how very happy I am to be alone- not that I was unhappy at being alone. But you know, fangirl and all. I want that tv crap. But the more I think about it, the more I don't. Because I'm sure (and always have been) I couldn't handle it mentally or emotionally, and it just doesn't matter. There are more important things.

The irony is, this afternoon I talked about being so content with being alone, and tonight the bartender from PF Changs text me. Did I ever mention him? Weeks ago, Ashley and I went to PF Changs and he gave me receipt paper to doodle on and said he'd save it forever and I should come back. Not sure if he did, but I guess he did? I left my number on the scrap in roman numerals. He also shared a couple fortune cookies, playing the 'in bed' game. My first one was so bad (good things come in small packages... in bed) he said he couldn't let me leave without a better one. It was cute. And the reason I didn't leave my arabic numerals was because I thought he was just being a bartender. Anyway. Curious how he figured it out. I text him back a half hour ago or whatever. Haven't heard back. We'll see what happens =\ I am honestly hoping for nothing. Ugh.

Also, been going to this coffee shop- love it so much! Cartel Coffee Lab. Delicious. Sometimes makes my stomach unhappy, but I'll live. Delicious lattes and hot chocolate, and nom-worthy cookies. Not the greatest study environment, depending, but it's perfect mostly.